Dinner with the Durins
by ApolloNui
Summary: While imprisoned in Mirkwood, the line of Durin offer to cook Thranduil a dinner he'll never forget.


**A/N This is a part-crack fanfic (presence of iPhones, references to Lady Gaga etc.) ****This is also my first fanfic EVER. So please, have mercy on your reviews! I'm still new to FF and i'm still trying to figure out how things work around here. Infact, I had to delete and repost this story about 4 times because I had no idea what I was doing. Hope you enjoy!**

* * *

**Dinner with the Durins**

"Feast?" Thranduil said with a raised eyebrow. It wasn't a question, but more of a repeat out of disbelief. "They think having a feast is going to earn them a ticket out of here?" Thranduil asked.

"Yes." Legolas answered. "They promise to cook you a full and exquisite dwarven meal of your choice and they promise to tell you everything about their intentions as we feast."

Thranduil strummed his fingernails on the armrest of his throne as he rested his head on the fist of his other hand. At first it seemed like a ridiculously stupid offer, but the more he pondered on it, the more he considered it. He actually hadn't had dwarven food in decades. He remembered a delicious roasted stuffed pig cooked way back in Erebor's more glorious days and rarely do elves have carnivorous cravings for rich meats, but today in particular, he was. He remembered a large cauldron of pot roast. The soft tender meat steamed when it was cut open and the fragrance of the seasoned beef was almost intoxicating. However freshly carved meat isn't quite appetizing when you see it stuck in the beards, mustaches and sometimes on the bellies of dwarves.

He shook his head quickly to rid himself of the thought.

"No."

* * *

"He's not buying it" Legolas said. Fili and Kili groaned in disbelief.

The two brothers were initially placed in different cells, but thanks to Legolas and Bilbo being able to trick the guards into thinking Kili's cell was infested with poisonous worms, Kili was moved into Fili's cell.

"Well what else can we possibly do?" Fili asked as Kili started hopelessly banging his head against the side of the cell wall.

"He hates dwarves you know." Legolas said.

"You don't say!?" Fili said with a large sarcastic smile.

"By that I mean, maybe it's because you invited the entire company and described it as a feast that he thought it was a bit repulsive?", the elf explained.

"Well what does he want? A dinner date alone with Thorin?" Kili asked.

The eyes of the elf widened, "You know that actually may not be so bad of an idea!"

The dwarven brothers looked at him confused.

"Not a dinner date, a family dinner date!" Legolas tried to explain

Fili and Kili looked at one another, they still weren't making sense of it.

"Me, Him, Thorin and you two, that's it." Legolas explained, "You two are the heirs of Durin and Thorin is the rightful king of Erebor! He'll take it as sign of respect to have dinner with just the three of you and he can't possibly be repulsed by just you three in the slightest... well actually he just might be by Thorin, but know what I mean!"

"It sort of makes sense." Fili said, "and it will still fit with our plan too."

"But what if he says no again? Then what!?" Kili chipped in.

"If he says no to this, then you're truly on your own. I'm sorry, I can't seem to find any other way to sneak you guys out of here. Unless of course you jam yourselves into the barrels Bilbo's been talking about and float yourselves out of here, that will take days."

"I'm claustrophobic." Kili yelped.

"Don't worry. I'll ask him. I'm sure I can get him to say yes, i'm his son after all." Legolas said as he walked off in the direction of the throne room. Kili started banging his head against the wall once more as Fili collapsed onto one of the uncomfortable cots they were given to sleep in and covered his face with his hair. The sound of Kili banging his head started irritating him so he flew one of his gloves at him.

"Stop it brother, you're giving me a headache." Fili said.

"What if our plan doesn't work?" Kili asked. His hair was wild and messy from the stress and his repeated head banging.

"It will work, trust me on this. We had a plan and we're sticking to it." Fili reassured him. "All that Lady Gaga looking elf of a king has to do is say 'yes' to this little dinner and the rest of this plan is foolproof. I promise."

* * *

The plan.

Yes, their plan was to have dinner with the Elvenking, but there was more being planned here than one would think. They weren't actually planning on revealing their intentions during dinner. No, they weren't. That was the bait. It's part of a prank. A hideous awful prank being plotted not only by the two cunning heirs of Durin, but with the help of the Elven prince too.

Legolas never hated dwarves and he never understood why his father did so much either. When he saw that his father had taken so many prisoners, he knew he had to help them. How his father would react when this "dinner" would be over is totally beyond him but it's a risk he's willing to take for the new friends he's made.

"Just the three of them?" Thranduil asked. He was seated in the exact position he was when Legolas was there the previous time. He wondered if his father had even budged an inch at all since.

"Yes, just the three of them, and the two of us. These are the heirs of Durin, I assure you they have the best proper etiquette and mannerisms of any dwarf out there. None of the rowdy others." Legolas explained.

"Hmm... Quite a charming offer. So there won't be the enormous one?", the king asked.

"No."

"Not the one with the axe somehow still stuck in his head?"

"Nope."

"Or the abnormally tall bald one?"

"Not him either."

"Or the one with the funnel sticking out of his ear?", the king's smile was widening.

"No!"

"Not even the one with that hideous bowl cut?"

"NO! Just Fili, Kili and Thorin!"

"Okay... I remember Thorin, but which are the other two again?"

"Fili, the one you called Simba and Kili, the one you still think isn't a dwarf but a midget human. He doesn't even have a full beard." Legolas explained.

"Oh if that's the case then, sure! I'd love to have them. Let's do it tonight! I want pot roast. Have them start cooking immediately!"

The answer caught Legolas by surprise, "I'm sorry?"

"You heard me! Pot roast! Let's get this dinner going!"

"Yes! Right!" Legolas rushed off. _Holy mother of Galadriel, he actually said yes! Crap. I forgot._ Legolas ran back to the throne. "Sorry ada, but I have an important meeting with Tauriel early tonight."

"Until when? Is there a need to reschedule this dinner?"

Legolas thought about it, "It should end by then."

"We'll that's fine I don't care. As long as I get some dwarven food in PEACE as soon as possible i'm fine."

"Ok..."

* * *

"He said yes." Legolas said. The two brothers stood silent with wide gaping smiles.

"He also said tonight. He wants pot roast for the main course, beyond that he doesn't really care what else you cook. You guys should start preparing already." Legolas unlocked their cells and then went over to Thorin's cell to unlock his. Thorin was well aware of the plan, Bilbo had relayed all the messages to him. At their request, Legolas also unlocked Bombur, Bofur, Gloin and Oin to help out with prepping the food.

Legolas lead them to the palace kitchen where Bombur almost fainted at the beautiful sight. Kili handed him a pair of mittens to fan himself with before he would pass out.

"Here it is. The whole kitchen is stocked with every type of spice and seasoning found here in Mirkwood and we even have some traded in from Lothlorien and Laketown. I think you will find everything you need here."

"Aye Thrandy Gaga must want this pot roast really badly, The fresh meat is already here waiting for us." Bofur said poking at the raw meat on the counter.

"I'm in heaven!" Bomber sighed as he kept fanning himself.

"Let's show them how the dwarves do it!" Gloin said as he grabbed a meat tenderizing mallet and began pounding on the meat.

"Oh and Fili and Kili," Legolas called, "Forgive me, but I have matters to attend to tonight, so I might be a bit late for the dinner." Fili and Kili looked him concerned. "But trust me, i'll be there." He said with a smile and walked away.

The two heirs glared at the elf with evil eyes as he walked away.

"I'm not sure about this, Fi" Kili said.

"No, we are going to do this wether you want to or not. It's too late to turn back now."

"You think he'll scream?"

"He will. I know he will."

"We have to be quick."

The two brothers sneaked after the elf.

* * *

"My my this is just lovely!", said Thranduil as he stuffed his mouth with another bite of the tasty beef of the pot roast. He had a napkin tucked into his collar. Fili and Kili dared not to look away from him the whole time. Fili was buttering a hot bun while Kili nibbled on a steamed carrot. They were alone in the king's dining hall and it was uncomfortably silent.

Thranduil took another bite of the meat, "Do excuse my son, I'm sure he told you he had matters to attend to."

"He did." Thorin answered as he sipped some ale.

"No offense to the others in your company, but you three alone make much more enjoyable dinner guests." He said as he cut a piece of meat with his steak knife. The dwarves could tell by his facial expressions and the numerous "Mmm"s that escaped his throat that he was savoring the meat. He was cherishing every single bite of it. Kili started anxiously shaking his leg causing some of the plates and silverware on the table to rattle.

"None taken." Fili answered has he subtly whacked his brother's leg under the table in an effort to make him stop.

The awkward silence was soon interrupted by the sound of the dining hall doors bursting open. Tauriel ran in.

"Sir! Your son is missing!"

"Missing? Did he not meet up with you earlier this evening?" Thranduil asked. He sounded more irritated that his dinner was being interrupted than he did concerned.

"He never showed up! Other members of the guard said they saw him being followed earlier today by two... short... figures..." Tauriel slowed as she reached the end of her sentence as she diverted her gaze to Fili and Kili.

"What?", asked Fili, "You think we kidnapped him or something?"

"We just found this in the kitchen!" came a voice from behind them. Another member of the Elven guard came out holding a bow. It was stained with blood. Thranduil recognized his son's bow all too quickly.

"What on Earth was that doing in the kitchen?" Tauriel asked. Fili and Kili turned to look at Thranduil who dropped his fork as well as his chalice of wine. His skin turned a pale white as he stared down at his food. He hadn't even noticed that none of the dwarves had eaten meat off their plates yet.

Tauriel gasped with one hand over her stomach and one hand over her mouth. She gave another disgusted cry and ran screaming out of the dining hall. The other guard member quickly ran out of the room in the same manner.

"Quite a tender soul wasn't he? It was nice of him to help us out." Fili said with an evil smile.

"Oh dear. Oh no...Oh no!" Thranduil gasped as removed the napkin from his collar and scooted uneasily off his chair. He held his hands to his stomach. And walked over to a window and started puking out of it. The smiles drawn across Fili and Kili's faces reeked of wickedness. Only Thorin held his serious gaze. The three stood from their seats.

"Betrayed by your own son, now feasting on his flesh. How gruesome. This story will most definitely be remembered throughout all of Middle Earth for ages and eons to come. I wouldn't be surprised if the Necromancer himself is jealous of our doing." Kili explained.

"You monsters!" Thranduil shouted before puking again out the window. His eyes began streaming tears.

"Quick Kili, take out your iPhone and start recording." Fili suggested, "Bofur said it's not possible to make an elf puke, so I bet him Bombur's weight in rubies that it would happen."

Kili didn't hesitate, after all they would probably never see another elf look this ugly again in their lives. Hardly anyone in Middle Earth has.

"You vile, disgusting monsters! How could you!?" Thranduil shouted. The sickness in his stomach quickly spread throughout his body and he grew weak. His legs buckled and he fell to the ground with his crown falling off his head. The three dwarves surrounded him as he tried to crawl away. "Curse you and ALL in the line of Durin!"

Kili picked up the crown and placed it on his own head, "Don't I look pretty?"

"Pfft. No." Fili replied.

Thranduil had begun his struggle to stand back up when Thorin gave the Elvenking a kick to the shoulder with his boot, sending him tumbling back to the floor. He then pinned him to the floor with his boot to the elf's neck, "What are you going to do now, Thranduil, great Elvenking of Mirkwood? Are you going to kill us?"

"Guurrrds!" Thranduil attempted to shout from beneath the crushing weight of the boot. He squirmed and thrashed, but he was kept pinned to the floor. "Guuurrrds!" No one came. He continued screaming and kicking, but it was no use, Thorin's boot was joined with Kili's to his chest.

Fili grabbed a steak knife from the table and pressed its sharp point against the neck of the king, next to Thorin's foot. "Let us go, or we'll cut you up and fed you to Smaug ourselves!"

Drops of puke shot out of Thranduil's mouth as he continued to struggle and thrash beneath the boots of the dwarves. Fili pressed the knife harder, puncturing a very small slit in the king's throat. His cowardly guards had deserted him. "G-g... Leave!"

Thorin eased some weight off his foot, "What was that?"

"Just leave!" The Elvenking shouted, "Just go! Take your horrid company with you! Leave here and never return!"

"So be it." Thorin said and they left him, Kili taking the crown.

Thranduil continued screaming in anguish as he sank even further to the ground. With puke on his cheeks and tears still streaming from his eyes, he rolled onto his side and into the fetal position with his hands over his face. He had eaten the flesh of his own son. What worse could happen now? Letting a few monstrous evil dwarves out of their captivity won't do anything worse. They were cursed. Let the fire of Smaug burn all of them to oblivion. Beyond the walls of the dining hall he could still hear the hideous, wicked laughter of the dwarves echoing through the neighboring rooms.

Soon after their laughs faded, all was quiet once more.

* * *

"What on Earth happened here?"

Thranduil popped his head up from the floor in confusion.

"Ada, you look terrible! Where's your crown? Where's our dinner guests?"

The Elvenking was wondering if his anguish was so strong that it was causing him to hallucinate. He couldn't have been lying on the ground any longer than 20 minutes.

"Somebody stole my bow and I went everywhere looking for it, I missed Tauriel's meeting and..." The eyes of the Elven prince darted over the dining table across the elegant dishes prepared, "I guess I missed dinner as well."

Thranduil started laughing and crying again. Insanely. It made Legolas uneasy.

"I have been a foolish and terrible king!" he stated as he stood up from the floor. He rushed over and tightly hugged his son, who grimaced when he smelled the fowl stench of puke off his father.

Legolas couldn't remember the last time his father hugged him like this. In fact, he wasn't sure if his father had hugged him like that ever.

It was as though the lights that had slowly faded and dimmed in Thranduil's mind over the long years were suddenly shining bright and strong once again. He had been tricked! Those devilish, cunning dwarves! Life had seemed so meaningless and bland. But now it had been splashed with color once more. The last time he felt this way was at his sons birth.

He now understood what it was that Thorin's company wanted and he couldn't understand why it took him so long to realize it and for that last night, before the dwarves could take leave, he had them moved out of their dungeons and gave all of them a comfortable bed to sleep in, and plenty of food to eat (without being there in person of course). He wasn't quite ready to face his once prisoners-now well respected guests face-to-face just yet.

"The king sincerely apologizes for his actions." The guards would repeat over and over again. And for each time they said it, Fili, Kili and Thorin would exchange smiles, only further confirming the success of their treachery.

He planned to have a gift giving ceremony for them the next morning. However, when dawn came, the dwarves were already gone.

* * *

"You know he just might kill you when he finds that thing." Fili warned as he walked alongside his brother.

"You mean IF he finds it." Kili waved his hand and pretended to be in a parade with Thranduil's crown still upon his head.

"And where do you think you're taking that?" Came a familiar voice. It was Legolas. They didn't even hear him catch up amongst the chatter of the other dwarves in the company. "You think you could leave without saying a proper goodbye?" he asked as Thorin told the rest of the company to halt.

"Hence why we took it." Kili said, removing the crown from his head before handing it over.

"You were right. This little joke we did, really seems to be having a positive effect on my father." Legolas said as he plucked strands of the dwarf's dark hair out of it, "He actually sent me to bring back you and your company for gifts on your journey more than he did for me to retrieve this little bundle of sticks.".

"Aye, there is no need for that, we've already picked up as much as we can carry from the kitchen and from Tauriel and her guard." Fili said, "We couldn't a done it without them too."

"So he believed you when you said someone stole your bow?" Kili asked.

"I'm actually not too sure, I'm not sure what he thinks happened. I dare not question him about it, lest he come to darker conclusions and change his mind about things. As long as he's letting you and your company out safely, that's all that matters to me. He has a newfound appreciation for those in his life now thanks to you two. Words cannot express how thankful I am." Legolas nodded his head in respect.

"It's been our pleasure." Fili said.

"Goodbye, Fili, Kili I wish you and your company the best of luck on your quest."

"Goodbye Legolas. We will meet again someday." And the friends embraced each other one final time.

"Namarie"

* * *

The company continued onward, glad to have made the friends and memories that they did. "Hey Kili, you still got that video on your iPhone?"

"Heehee! Yeah."

"You gotta YouTube that sucker."

**THE END**


End file.
